


ah, i love you like a love song, baby

by piketrickfoot



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, percy's just a sad boy!, this will have a happy ending... eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 09:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13268292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piketrickfoot/pseuds/piketrickfoot
Summary: Vax pulled himself through the window with the unnatural grace that hung like curtains around him and his sister both. He settled a careful, planned-out distance away from Percy, not touching, not even looking at him, just staring up at the stars with that easy smile.“Percy,” Vax said, so carefully, still not looking at him, “you know we’re all here for you, right? Me and Vex and Kiki and all the others. Everyone needs people in their corner sometimes. It’s okay.”





	ah, i love you like a love song, baby

**Author's Note:**

> i love! my! boys! 
> 
> also jsyk, percy's whole family died in a fire he thinks was his fault but which was actually set by the briarwoods. im not sure how important thatll be plot wise but there you go 
> 
> work title & all chapter titles from selena gomez's iconic 2011 bop "love you like a love song"

Percy awoke exactly like one might expect - covered in sweat, tangled in his nest-like mound of blankets, with tears streaking down his face. He often could not remember the nightmares, but their effectiveness in rendering him a shaky, anxiety-wracked disaster for the next six to eight hours. He threw the blankets off himself haphazardly, said a silent apology to his roommate. - though it wasn’t like cleanliness was exactly Vax’s number one priority either - and quietly slipped out of his dorm, out into the hallway, and up the steps to the third-floor lounge. There wasn’t much special about the space - it was mostly used by freshmen to avoid their randomly-assigned roommates, or perhaps to pretend they were being productive - and it really only existed to connect the two buildings that made up the X quad. Percy was only interested because through its one window, a particularly deft climber could access the roof of the second floor’s lounge. He opened it as quietly as possible and, using the upper-arm strength built through years on a boat off the Massachusetts coast, pulled himself out and onto the rooftop. 

It was dark, naturally, and there was a bit of a chill in the air, but Percy paid it no mind. The moon was waxing, and slightly more than halfway full, but nevertheless it shone upon him bright as anything. He closed his eyes and let the cool wind sting at his cheeks, dangling his legs off the side of the roof. It was peaceful. The rustle of his clothes, the firm weight of his glasses firmly perched on his ever-so-slightly crooked nose, his hair ruffling in the breeze, the oppressive warmth of the thick, black smoke surrounding him, filling his nose, his mouth, his eyes, his mind with terrible purpose - he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see, had to get out out _out_ \- 

His eyes snapped open. God, he thought, no escape even while I’m awake, hm? That was alright, though. It was fine. Everything was going to be fine, if only he could just - 

“Oy, Freddie,” called a familiar voice from the window behind him. Percy did not turn around. He already knew the routine, knew what he would see if he did. Vax’ildan, Vax, his unfairly gorgeous randomly-assigned roommate, leaning his head just so out the window, arms draped over the sill, smile kind and more than a bit teasing. Percy heaved a sigh. 

“Leave me to my wallowing, if you would,” he gritted out. 

“Come on. We’ve done this dance. I’m, like, mandated by the reslife committee to be your friend. It won’t kill you to let me in.” 

Percy wanted to say _you’d be surprised._ He wanted to say _if I look at you I think I will drown in it._

_There is no redemption for a man like me. I won’t drag you down too._

_I think I was born to be karmically irredeemable._

_My mother called me a firestarter._

_I am the reason everyone I’ve ever loved is dead. Please don’t let me fall in love with you too._

Eventually he settled on, “Vax, go back to bed.” 

Vax pulled himself through the window with the unnatural grace that hung like curtains around him and his sister both. He settled a careful, planned-out distance away from Percy, not touching, not even looking at him, just staring up at the stars with that easy smile. 

“Percy,” Vax said, so carefully, still not looking at him, “you know we’re all here for you, right? Me and Vex and Kiki and all the others. Everyone needs people in their corner sometimes. It’s okay.”

And now it was Percy’s turn not to look, not to want to see the expression Vax wore as he said the words Percy had always craved, had begged the empty to send him someone to say them just like that - you’re ours, Percy. We’re your family, Percy. We’ll be home for you, Percy. And yet, and yet, and yet. His brothers and sisters had told him that same thing, hadn’t they? Hadn’t he abandoned them? Hadn’t he darkened enough of the doorsteps of well-meaning relatives, and then family friends, and then foster families until he’d turned eighteen, all because of a fucking candle he’d forgotten to snuff before bed one night? 

He could not have this. It was honorable of Vax - kind, even, and so generous - to offer a man like Percy what he perceived to be the whole world. And, god, he wanted to take it. Percy wanted nothing more than to lean into Pike’s gentle touches, to laugh at Grog’s not-so-gentle claps on the shoulder, to allow himself not to stiffen when Keyleth laid her head in his lap, to let himself lean his head on Vax’s shoulder, to hold his hand, card his fingers through Vax’s hair, cup Vax’s jaw in his hand and kiss him - 

But no. These were the things he let himself dream about in the night, monster that he is, not - not - never did he allow them to bleed into the real world. Not ever. It wouldn’t be fair to them, their carefully-knit, still-germinating seed of a family. He did not belong, was not theirs and could never be - no matter what they thought. 

“Vax, you’re lovely. I mean it - all of you. But I can’t… this type of love, what you’re offering, it isn’t meant for men like me. You’d all do well to forget I exist entirely,” Percy said, finally. Vax opened his mouth, but in the seconds he stalled, mind racing, trying to find the words to dispute this, Percy stood and clambered awkwardly back through the window. 

By the time Vax returned to their room, Percy was once again cocooned in his enormous array of blankets both soft and fluffy, firmly pretending to sleep. And if he wanted, desperately, cosmically, to give in, to let Vax and Pike and Scanlan and all the others reassure him that he could be okay, could be worth this, well. That was his secret.


End file.
